I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
