girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
