there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
