he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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