at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
