I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
