1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
