omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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