How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
