So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
