then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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