I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
