There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
