Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize