I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
