the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
