So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
nutella sex= disaster
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
