We should be called the Road Head Warriors
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize