Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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