she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
