You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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