If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
