Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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