you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you win again, gameday.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
