Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
