thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
