Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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