bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
