Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
