So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
