do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
