Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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