I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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