But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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