Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
