I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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