my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
