Cold hands, warm shart.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
