I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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