just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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