She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
