i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
