Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He passed out mid-signature
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
