i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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