A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
