If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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