Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
