I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
