I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So here I am, sexting at work.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
