Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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