I think I won the penis lottery.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
