I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
