Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
