Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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