mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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