I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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