Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
