Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
