Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
